An Open Letter to the Academy Awards producers

Hi there.

I've been a fan of your program for quite some time now, and I can't help but be a little concerned that because of the WGA strike, you might not be able to provide the same level of pithy, earnest banter between presenters and the host may have to be without a monologue. Well, fear not! If you're reading this, you know that I have some minimal experience in writing. However, I will have you know that I'm a solid A- playwright. Banter is my specialty.

Take, for example, the introduction to the Best Documentary:
"Websters defines a documentary as a movie, a television or radio program made using pictures or interviews with people involved in real events to provide a factual record or report. The nominees are 4 movies about how bad the Iraq war is and one about cute animals".

Not convinced? Here's some witty banter for the best costume design:
Actor: Wow, hot actress the producers told me to stand next to and read these lines awkwardly to, your dress is ugly this year. I guess it wasn't designed by one of our nominees for best costume design, eh?
Hot Actress: At least I can read my scripts, captain dyslexic
Actor: (runs away crying)
Hot Actress who can spell Tuxedo: The nominees are...


And we all know how much you love montages. No matter how pointless and how self-congratulatory, your love affair with montages will never end. I'm assuming the WGA writes, or at least pitches, the montages, so here's my selection:
- cold body, warm heart: a montage of caring cinematic robots
- A history of language: classic , g-rated movie dialogue that has grown into hilarious double-entendre or horrifically politically incorrect hate speech.
- encore! a montage of sequels from the last year
- The magic of music: key scenes in the best score nominees with the music changed or altered. Preferably Yackety Sax for a particularly tense scene from Zodiac.

Of course, I won't touch the opening monologue, especially since it basically boils down to a movie reference/recognition of Jack Nicholson in the front row/movie reference/potshot at prominent politician and/or actor/movie reference/clever reference to a current event formula anyways. But honestly? I'll do it and on the cheap.