It Can Happen to You!

Part One: Male Pattern Baldness
Before a performance of Home in Alfalfa, while applying makeup, I noticed something odd about my appearance. Odder than how I look in makeup. My hairline looked... different. I decided to pay it no mind, rationalising that when dressed up as a pig, my hair was likely not the focus of attention. And even if it was, it's long enough that only I know about it. Besides, it's probably nothing since I'm only 23. It wasn't nothing.
My father is a man of thinned hair and recessed hairlines. I showed him and asked his opinion. His reply was one of resignation, poorly muffled laughter, and pride in passing on his genes. My father has been sporting a hairline that reaches back for about as long as I've known him. It's even present in my baby pictures (which are, believe it or not, in black and white). It never once occurred to me that this would be passed on to me. The math involved in it eluded me, even; My father was a little under two months past his 28th birthday when I was born, and his hairline hasn't really moved since. He then confided in me that his hair loss began at around the same age.
The way I see it, I have quite a few options. The first is one of vanity: stock up on Rogaine and hope for the best. Known medically as Minoxodil, rogaine is a topical medication that claims to stimulate the scalp and prevent further hair loss. Sounds great, right? Sure. Why abandon my mighty locks when science has found a way for me to keep them naturally? Well, there's the side effects for one: acne on the scalp, headaches, very low blood pressure, irregular/rapid heartbeat, blurred vision, and chest pain. Pass.
Another option is slightly more invasive, but definitely a surefire way to keep my hair is hair plugs. Great. But it costs between $6,000 and $15,000. Also, infection is a risk. And to top it all off, it's not even a guarantee. Bald patches are common, which could nullify the procedure, making the cure worse than the ailment.
This takes us out of the medical options and into social options. The first being the most obvious: hiding it. A toupee, wig, or hairpiece will certainly do the job, and many famous (and infamous) persons throughout history have made liberal use of them. Julius Caesar, for example. Frank Sinatra, Jimmy Stewart, and John Wayne all wore toupees. So I have real men's men behind me on this. Sean Connery has been long rumoured to have worn a toupee when playing James Bond, and William Shatner is also rumoured to wear one. Combovers are not an option, however. I'm not even sure I can advocate it anyway, as the combover is actually patented.
So my only logical conclusion is to embrace it. And why not? The list of great men with a less than full head of hair is long and robust. Patrick Stewart, Bruce Willis, John Cleese, C.S Lewis, and according to the apocryphal Acts of Paul and Thecla, The Apostle Paul.
So why do so many men shudder at the thought of losing their hair? For every man who decided to embrace the hairline God blessed them with, there are others who would rather lose their thumbs than their flowing locks. The hair loss industry is worth over $1 billion annually.
"But Scott," you surely plead, "what does The Bible say about bald men?" I'm glad you asked. First, I would direct you to II Kings 2:23-24: "From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths." I'm not a theologian, but I think the message of this passage is incredibly clear: mock the bald, and bears will kill you. I suppose you could argue that the two events (Elisha calling down a curse and the bears attacking) are unrelated, but it should serve at least as a grave warning.