How to: Survive prying relatives at Christmas

Christmas holidays are the only time my family sees each other together, generally speaking. There's usually cordial and even unexpected visits throughout the year, of course, but full-blown family events are a rarity for both the Martin and Fairley clans. It's a little dysfunctional, but so am I. But it generally makes for a more cordial and pleasant affair for all involved, as a year of silence means there's no shortage of topics for conversation. However, the topic generally shifts into territory that I would rather not discuss: my love life and my post-university plans. And I know I'm not alone in this. However, having been both single and in university for the bulk of my university career, I've learned a few tricks to keep conversation out of those areas, or at least how to make the conversation more interesting than torturous.

1. Distraction
This it a pretty easy tactic, and technically all of these tactics are a distraction in some way, but a straight distraction is category unto itself. The ease of use of a straight distraction comes with the price of it not always working, however. Countering "So, do you have a girlfriend yet?" with "nice weather we're having" doesn't really work regardless of how you word it, but answering "did I tell you about this movie I saw last week? It was fantastic" provides more wiggle room and could lead into a healthy discourse on modern cinema. Any subject will do as a distraction, but the more finely tuned the distraction is to the interests of the interrogating relative will help make it more successful. It's also polite to discuss the interests of someone else and draw the topic away from yourself. Distraction is less effective when dodging the "what are you going to do after you graduate?" question, however. But it can be done. Of course, the perfect distraction for either question is the other question, but you and I both know that's an option.

2. Sarcasm
If done properly, dry sarcasm can both distract effectively and be a lot of fun. Answering either question with a deadpan, nonsensical response is a little risky, but your worst case scenario is generally getting a good laugh from the inquiring relative. Ideally, it will be interpreted as an honest response and they will be satisfied with it, and you satisfied with your sharp wit. But the middle ground here could include hurt feelings, so tread carefully. A nonsensical response is the least likely to offend and most likely to entertain. For example, responding to the career question with something like "I'd like to be an usher at the Air Canada Centre" adds a levity that an embittered "oh, wouldn't you just love to know" cannot. And I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I've always wanted to tell someone I want to be a performance artist.

3. Wordplay
If you own a dictionary or a thesaurus, this becomes a very easy way to answer the career question. Even the most mundane of job titles can sound exciting with the right words. I once worked as a mover. But why call myself a mover when I can call myself a personal capital migration technician? Use your own imagination, but suffice to say, a career as a professional textual anthropomorphic engineer certainly sounds exciting.

4. Make something up
It's technically lying, yes, but it need not be malicious. For example, if you don't know what you want to do with yourself professionally, just think of something spectacularly reasonable. Professional wrestler is a good choice if you're athletic, and music critic is pretty interesting (not to mention easy). My personal favourite is Trophy Husband, as it covers both the dating and career questions in one shot. If my career goal is to marry someone independently wealthy and pursue my (generally low-paying or non-paying) hobbies with significant financial freedom, I would be well advised to keep my romantic options as open as possible, not to mention career options. It's also good for a laugh and unlikely to be taken seriously, which will satisfy their curiosity enough for the remainder of the day.

5. Just grin and bear it
Let's face it. These questions aren't asked with malicious intent, and as uncomfortable as they may make you, objectively, you know darn well that they only want what's best for you and are genuinely curious about what's going on in your life. But accepting this must be a last resort only. Prying with good intentions is still prying. Only cave in when you've exhausted your remaining options.

Of course, the career question becomes easier with age. Once you have a real career, you'll probably want to flaunt it, even if you have to bust out your thesaurus to make it sound more exciting. But the only way to bring the love life questions to an end is to bring someone home to meet the family, explored in greater depth in Jay Roach's 2000 documentary Meet the Parents and perhaps in a future entry.

Until then, have a pleasant Christmas break and a happy new year.